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<title>don’t give them your heart, give them your bullets (it’ll hurt less when they throw them back at you) by jadawrites</title>
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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24550015">don’t give them your heart, give them your bullets (it’ll hurt less when they throw them back at you)</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/jadawrites/pseuds/jadawrites'>jadawrites</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Ascendam</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>F/F</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-06-05</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-06-05</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-04 01:16:01</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Not Rated</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,178</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24550015</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/jadawrites/pseuds/jadawrites</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>if you know you know</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>3</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>don’t give them your heart, give them your bullets (it’ll hurt less when they throw them back at you)</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Chainsaw hated training. It meant waking up earlier than usual just to be pushed around by Six. Chainsaw expressed her distaste as she stretched in their designated kitchen area. </span>
</p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“You complain literally every time we do this, what makes you think my answer will change?” Six saïd, too busy checking her gun to see that Chainsaw had stuck her tongue out at her. </span>
</p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Once she finished and looked up, waiting for an answer, Chainsaw huffed, “Maybe you’re finally in good mood this morning?”</span>
</p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Six rolled her eyes, “Me in a good mood? Never.”</span>
</p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Chainsaw snorted at her sarcastic tone and followed her out to the back yard. Chainsaw still hated training, but the relaxed banter that flowed between her and Six during their session was becoming something that made the hell of training a bit better. </span>
</p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Training hadn’t always been tolerable. At first it had been insults hidden under instructions and impatience and mocking smiles. It had been merely another way for Six to prove she was better, even if she claimed it was under Chainsaw ‘needing to know how to protect herself’. Then things slowly became better as Six finally understood that Chainsaw was trying her best. </span>
</p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Then, Dorado died. Which had released such a Pandora’s box of emotions on their little group that they’d almost fallen apart. Almost. For Six and Chainsaw, it had also unlocked a mutual appreciation, made them realize they didn’t hate each other as much as they’d thought. Not anymore. For Chainsaw, it also unlocked an emotion cald ‘woah’, but they didn’t have time for ‘woah’ during an apocalypse, so she stored it safely next to her hula hoop woman. </span>
</p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">The point is, really, that now the part that Chainsaw hated about training was no longer being forced to listen to Six, it was the fighting. Six had softened up in her tone of leadership, more patient and amusing, but the level of exercise had remained the same. </span>
</p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">A thousand jumping jacks, a million push ups, never ending sit ups, and then she also has to spar?! It’s unrealistic! </span>
</p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Six,” Chainsaw complained after her third set of push ups, “I need a break.”</span>
</p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“It’s only been like 15 minutes?” Six saïd from where she’d long completed her five sets of 20. </span>
</p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Chainsaw groaned and flopped backwards, “15 minutes of torture. You know I hate push ups.”</span>
</p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Which is why you need to build your upper body strength,” she said, and she wasn’t even looking at Chainsaw. Chainsaw fought the urge to pout, she wanted Six to look at her when she was complaining. Or maybe just in general. </span>
</p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Six,” Chainsaw called, and then repeated when she didn’t look up. After a half of minute of calling her name Six’s eyes snapped up to Chainsaw, angry. Eh, she’d take what she could get. </span>
</p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“What?!” Six spat.</span>
</p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“I wanted you to look at me,” Chainsaw admitted, her face overtaken with a smile. </span>
</p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Six scoffed, and then settled back on her arms. If Chainsaw gives herself a moment to admire the way the position fits Six then it’s her business. The glint of her metal leg in the light is distracting, Chainsaw wants to touch it, wants to get her hands back on the leg she’d helped to heal. but she won’t. She can have a little staring, as a treat. But then Six is grumbling. </span>
</p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“I hate you, you know,” she sighed, but there’s a tiny little dimple in her cheek which lets Chainsaw know she’s not too upset.</span>
</p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“No, you don’t.” Chainsaw declared, and hoped it was true. </span>
</p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Six met her eyes, “Oh? Why not?”</span>
</p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Because...” Chainsaw wanted to say ‘because if you hate me then I’m really screwed, even more than I already am’ but she’s getting better with him impulse control. So instead she said, “Because that’d be mean. And Boston and Gen said you have to be nice to me, remember.”</span>
</p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“I don’t remember, actually,” Six stated, but she was smiling as she twirled her gun around her finger, “Besides, mean is just who I am, you know.”</span>
</p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Chainsaw’s not fond of the heaviness in her tone as Six finished speaking, and let her mouth run more than it probably should’ve, “No. You’re not just mean, Six. You’re a lot more than that. You know that, right? That you’re much more than just mean, to me?”</span>
</p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Immediately, Chainsaw regretted getting words as Six’s eyes widened, before her face settled back into her usual mask of bored intimidation. </span>
</p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Stop trying to get out of training, Chainsaw. Three more reps of push ups, then a couple hundred jumping jacks and we can take a break.” Six’s tone very rarely left room for argument, and this was not one of those times. The conversation was over. Understood. </span>
</p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Yet, Chainsaw couldn’t shake the feeling that the conversation should’ve continued. If only because Chainsaw still had things she wanted to say. So, like an obedient student, she waited until break time to talk. </span>
</p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Six was pretty lenient with her breaks. Probably because after break time was sparring and target practice, which could continue until it was time to make rounds if they let it. There was no need to rush this part.</span>
</p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">So, with overgrown confidence mixed with fright, Chainsaw plopped herself next to Six. </span>
</p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Hey, Six,” she began slowly, “About earlier...”</span>
</p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“What about it?” Six fired, her usually tone holding extra heat. Chainsaw had been wary of first, through high school. But living through a zombie apocalypse really puts things in perspective, y’know?</span>
</p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Chainsaw cleared her throat weakly, “Well, you see, the thing is... I kind of saïd a lot back there, and the way you reacted was very, well, meh.”</span>
</p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Meh?” Six repeated, unimpressed. </span>
</p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“I just feel like maybe you aren’t fully aware of the fact that all of us care about you, or you have trouble accepting it but—“</span>
</p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“I’m aware.” Six saïd calmly.</span>
</p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Oh? Are you— are you sure?”</span>
</p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Mmhmm,” Six assures cooly before standing up, “Now hurry. It’s spar time.”</span>
</p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Six,” Chainsaw sighed, “We need to talk about these things.”</span>
</p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Why?”</span>
</p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Because it’s important to properly acknowledge and process your emotions, especially in times like this.”</span>
</p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Six rolled here eyes, “Okay, Chainsaw.”</span>
</p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“You can’t just brush things off, Six,” Chainsae bristled, “You’re being an ass about this. Why are you so against feelings?”</span>
</p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Why are feelings so important to you?!” Six shot back as she popped up, “Does it look like we have time for feelings?? We’re in the middle of a fucking apocalypse, Chainsaw. There’s no time for emotions when we’re fighting for our lives.”</span>
</p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“But we’re not anymore, Six. Maybe when we first started, and we were living out of that little van. Then; we were fighting for the right to live. But we have a house now, we’ve been trading with the other colonies. We’re not just surviving. We have time now, Six,” Chainsaw finally slowed down on her rampage, but saw the spark in Six’s eyes and she was not gonna allow herself to be shut down this time. They were having this conversation, damnit. “So, stop avoiding your feelings just because your scared.”</span>
</p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Scared?” Six asked incredulously, “I know you’re not talking about me being afraid when you’re the one who didn’t leave the house for <em>months </em>when we found it. You only stormed out because you were having a hissy fit!!!”</span>
</p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Chainsaw gaped, “How dare you! You know what happened to me, and I’m improving aren’t I?! And stop redirecting!!! You’re being a bitch for no reason!”</span>
</p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">They shouldn’t be shouting. Chainsaw knew they shouldn’t have been shouting. Good things never happened when you shouted during a zombie apocalypse. But Six was being so mean for no reason, and Chainsaw hated it. Hated how hard it hurt her.</span>
</p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">She shouldn’t have cared that much. These were just words, Six was just acting out because she’d pushed. Chainsaw should’ve known better than to push, yes. But Six didn’t always have to be so goddamn hostile. </span>
</p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Fine,” Chainsaw relented, “My bad. I just don’t understand how you think all the time, but that’s okay. If it helps you to think we don’t care about you, then fine.” Chainsaw stood up, wringing her hands in her jacket, a telltale sign that she wasn’t as calm as she wanted to be. Whatever, “Are we sparring or not?”</span>
</p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Just before Six sprung forward into an offense, she stared into Chainsaw’s eyes. Six was never afraid of eye contact. Six stood straight, and then, “I don’t mind knowing the others care about me.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span class="s1">Chainsaw <em>wants </em>to respond incredulously, but Six is coming too fast and too hard for her to do anything but fight back. However, there’s no way she’s <em>not</em> finding out about this. So for the first time in a while, Chainsaw comes out of defensive. Six is thrown off by the change in style, and she’s been off today for a while anyway. </span>
</p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">It wasn’t long before Chainsaw had Six on her back in the dirt, on her knees as she straddled above her. Chainsaw does not focus on how the metal of Kayo’s right leg emits warmth, “What’s that supposed to mean?!”</span>
</p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Six shrugged herself to a sitting position, drawing them closer, “Hmm?”</span>
</p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Chainsaw closed her eyes, “Six, please.” She rested her forehead on Six, “I’m not good at fighting.”</span>
</p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Things were quiet for a moment before Six was pushing her off and walking back into the house. Chainsaw allowed herself a second to be sad before she was pushing herself off the floor. </span>
</p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">She stormed into the house, where everyone else was just beginning to wake up. </span>
</p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Six?!” Chainsaw shouted, “Why is it only bad if I care about you?”</span>
</p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Unsurprisingly, Chainsaw was being ignored. She hated being ignored, “Six!! Last time you pulled this bullshit I disappeared for a day. This time I take you with me!!”</span>
</p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Six whipped around, “It’s worse!! Because you don’t care like normal, you care too much!!! And that’s dangerous!! Because if we’re in a do or die situation you’re dumbass would prioritize me!! You can’t be pulling that shit.”</span>
</p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“I wouldn’t,” Chainsaw protested, and Six quirked an eyebrow, “Well, I’d do it for everyone. Not just you.”</span>
</p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“That’s an issue, Chainsaw,” Six settled into the kitchen counter, “You need to be less of a bleeding heart.”</span>
</p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Chainsaw sidled up to Six and rolled her eyes, “Maybe someone should make the blood in your heart flow.”</span>
</p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">There was a quiet moment of peace before Six hummed, “I’d never give them the chance.”</span>
</p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">At this point, Chainsaw was falling into complacency. She’d woken up early for practice, she was tired, and she was cold, but Six was warm, and her shoulders were nice, and they’d had their daily argument and Chainsaw was over it. Yet, Six seemed to want to talk, for once in her life, so Chainsaw peeked her eyes open.</span>
</p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Hmm?”</span>
</p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Six leaned into Chainsaw, “I’d never let someone get that close to my heart. I’d rather give them gun.”</span>
</p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“For then to shoot you?!” Chainsaw mumbled in question. </span>
</p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Six shrugged, “It’d be less of a pain. I’ve survived my leg being amputated, and even got this cool new one out of it. Bullets either kill me or don’t. Heartbreak does something, much worse. Don’t you think. So, I won’t risk it...”</span>
</p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Chainsaw allowed herself a moment to absorb what Six was saying, then another to absorb the fact that Six was pre-rejecting her. Shutting her down before she had a chance. And then one more moment to decide what to do next.</span>
</p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">This accumulation of moments lead to a lengthy silence before Chainsaw pasted on a smile, “Aren’t you the risk taker of the group? I’m sure one more risk won’t hurt you, why not this one?”</span>
</p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Not this one,” Six slide slowly away from Chainsaw as she turned to face her. Increasing the space. Chainsaw wished she had that much control, “Too dangerous.”</span>
</p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Too dangerous for anybody? No exceptions?” and Chainsaw is aware she’s being too transparent, but she was doing her best, okay.</span>
</p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">There’s a long, charged moment where Chainsaw can see the wheels turning in Six’s head. She stayed faithfully quiet, hoping whatever brain gymnastics they did wound up with them landing together. </span>
</p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Just then, Boston walked in, a sleepy smile on her face. It was time for morning patrol. Six jumped away from her, and Chainsaw hid her grimace the best she could. </span>
</p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Morning, guys,” she hummed before grabbing a water bottle. Chainsaw’s eyes are drawn to her in horror, does Boston know, is she gonna do something is this wrong, “I’ll see you in an hour. I’m taking Monkeywith me.” The scroungy black cat followed faithfully, tail raised.</span>
</p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">When Chainsaw pulled her eyes away, Six had left. It wouldn’t be hard to find her, their home was only so big, but the timing doesn’t feel right. Instead, Chainsaw began her normal daily routine.</span>
</p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Things shouldn’t be different, nothing’s changed, or they should’ve been worse. Six had just declared she’d never fall in love. Yet. </span>
</p>
<p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Chainsaw found herself looking forward to training.</span>
</p>
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